I Took My Life in a Past Life. This Time, I Stayed.

What past-life regression taught me about suicide, the contracts we make, and why the only way out is through.

Recently I came to understand that suicide is not tolerated by the universe — or by what I'll call the other side. I've been exploring the heavens, and the state of Satori, or full enlightenment, trying to understand where we come from and where we return after each human life.

This isn't abstract for me. I've lost friends to suicide. There were seasons of my own life when I was suicidal. And I have family who are struggling with those same thoughts today.

Earth life can feel almost unbearable, and that struggle is real for millions of people around the world. Most of us don't remember why we're here, and most of us don't know that we can't escape our challenges by leaving our contracts early. What I've come to believe is that we return with the exact same challenges until we learn what they came to teach us and live all the way through them. We have to learn to walk through them — to lift our heads, move forward, and, eventually, thrive.

Thriving is the lesson I'm here to learn.

I'm a past-life regressionist, and I've had several of my own sessions. What startled me in that work was discovering that I took my life a few lifetimes ago. I couldn't bear the situation I was in: my mother had left to seek freedom for herself without me, and my father didn't want to parent alone. He wanted her to do that work. I was "too much" for him.

I've been presented with the same circumstances ever since — life after life — until I could finally learn from them. That includes the life I'm living now, where I moved through the first lesson at last: surviving, and walking away. I left when I was 19 and rebuilt my life from the ground up. I changed my name and moved across the country to have the beautiful, peaceful life I have today. The circumstances this time were much the same — only worse.

That's part of what I've come to understand: when we return after taking our own life, things come back around harder. This life was much harder than the one I saw in my regression.

Now the final lesson is learning how to thrive. I'm still healing from my past, and thriving is the work in front of me.

I think often about the people I've lost in this life — the ones who gave up — and about the circumstances waiting for them when they return. I pray for them, wherever they are, and whether or not they've already reincarnated: that they make it through, learn what they came to learn, and finally move forward the way they truly want to.